Linus resigned his position as Management officially a day ago.
I couldn’t sleep at all the first night without Linus. I didn’t want to say anything to anyone about it honestly. But I had messages pouring in asking for my address to send Linus a care package. And what did he like? What did he need? So after staring at the ceiling for several hours, I came up with this…
“I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this now for several hours. Linus has resigned as Management. He started displaying some behaviors he hadn’t previously. After discussing with an experienced dog trainer and the rescue, it was decided it best that he return to his foster family. I am heartbroken. But the safety of my four year old son is priority. I have no doubt that the person for Linus is out there and he will make a beautiful loving companion to them.”
But I feel like Linus deserved more. So here it is….
I did all the wrong things as soon as Linus came home. I found that out after speaking to a very experienced dog trainer and several long time rescuers/fosters. I thought showing him love immediately was what he needed. I needed to show him love too. I had so much built up after losing Kona. And don’t get me wrong, I was loving on my kid like always. But I was desperate to have a dog again. So I was smothering him from day one. And he was curled up in bed beside me from the get go.
What I didn’t realize is poor Linus took all that love and decided, no one was going to interfere with it.
I thought the barking and growling at my husband was confusion the first time. He was sleeping soundly beside me, and hubby walked in. Mistaken identity or he forgot he was in his new home. It escalated very quickly from that first time.
I thought the trying to stop my son swinging on the playset was protection. The laying across me as I was playing on the floor with my son was just affection. Those behaviors escalated quickly.
I talked to two different friends who train dogs. I talked to the rescue. I talked to his foster mom. What it came down to in the end was my gut. I learned early in life to trust my gut. It got me through my time as a 911 dispatcher. And here it was keeping me up at night because I love, love, love Linus. But what if something happens to my son?
Don’t get me wrong…it’s not like I wasn’t worried about my husband. Linus came at him really good twice before the decision was made. If it was just hubby and I, I would absolutely take the risk and I would have started some of the suggestions from the trainers and everyone else consulted. Give it more time. See what I could do .
But its not just me and the husband. I have a four year old son with autism spectrum disorder. I can tell him something, like, “don’t kick the doggy”. Which I told him the first time he was swinging and Linus came running up in the way. And he will absorb that statement. And he said it over and over every time he was in the swing while Linus was here. And he still says it days later every time he gets in the swing at our house. And he says it on the swings at the park. And it kills me every time I hear it. And I have no idea how long he will continue to say it. But I hope this illustrates how there is always an unknown or an insecurity in the understanding my son has in what I say.
If Linus doesn’t like anyone else getting my attention, how is Linus going to react when the Intern has sensory overload and screams and thrashes on the floor and I have to calm him? How is Linus going to react if we’re in bed watching tv and the Intern comes in because he needs, ‘mama cuddles’?
It took six hours to drive home from dropping Linus with his foster mom. He was happy to see her and I am told his behavior says the stint with me didn’t do any harm.
I have not stopped feeling guilty, ashamed and like a failure since we said goodbye. It honestly feels a lot like I put him down, in the sense that I cannot see him again. And how I didn’t want to make the decision but I felt like I had to make the decision.
I love Linus. I fell for him the second I saw his brown eyes the day before my birthday. I thought I found my dog. I don’t know how to move on from that. I don’t know how to think about trying again.
He is going to make someone very happy and be the most loyal companion they’ll ever know.
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